Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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