I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
