a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
