I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
