I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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