my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
