So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
