True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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