apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
