Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
