he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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