Dual....:-)
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
