My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
