Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
