I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My feet surprised me
Randomize
