Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
false alarm, still single
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
