foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
