Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
