I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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