he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
