exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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