When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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