Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
