I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
