So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
