Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
