Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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