i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
