dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
