i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
