I wish they made helmets for livers.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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