Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
