i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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