So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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