He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
