He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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