You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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