Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
