Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
