Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
