dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
