if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
