Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He called his prostate his "boner button".
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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