Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
