Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
