is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
