why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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