I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
