Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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