broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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