i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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